When Nothing Was ‘Wrong’, But Something Was Missing — What ‘Running on Empty’ Taught Me
Have you ever looked back at your childhood and thought: “Nothing particularly bad happened. I had a good childhood. So why do I feel this way?”
Maybe your parents loved you and, from the outside, everything seemed fine. Yet as an adult, you might struggle to know what you need, ask for help, say no or prioritise yourself without guilt. You may be incredibly compassionate towards others, yet surprisingly hard on yourself.
This is what psychologist Dr Jonice Webb explores in Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect — and one of the reasons I recommend this book so often.
What Is Childhood Emotional Neglect?
One of the most powerful ideas in Running on Empty is that childhood isn't shaped only by what happened to us, but also by what didn't happen.
Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) can occur when a child's emotions and emotional needs aren't sufficiently noticed or responded to.
Perhaps emotions weren't talked about in your family.
Maybe crying, anger or vulnerability weren't welcome.
Achievement may have mattered more than how you felt.
Or perhaps you became the easy, responsible, independent child who didn't need very much.
This doesn't necessarily mean you had unloving parents. Sometimes parents deeply love their children but don't have the emotional awareness or capacity to give them something they never received themselves. And that's partly why emotional neglect can be so difficult to recognise.
We remember what happened. But how do we remember what wasn't there?
The comfort we didn't receive. The emotions nobody noticed. The reassurance we needed but didn't know how to ask for.
Sometimes what was missing can shape us just as deeply as what was present.
Signs of Childhood Emotional Neglect in Adults
When our emotions and needs aren't acknowledged growing up, we may begin to believe:
“My feelings aren't important.”
“I shouldn't need anything.”
“Other people's needs come before mine.”
“I should be able to handle everything myself.”
“I'm too sensitive.”
Or simply: “There must be something wrong with me.”
As adults, this can show up as people-pleasing, perfectionism, difficulty understanding or expressing emotions, harsh self-criticism, shame or feeling “not good enough”, difficulty setting boundaries or asking for help, and finding it much easier to care for others than ourselves.
You may actually become incredibly capable. You work, achieve, take care of everyone and keep going. From the outside, you appear to have everything together. But inside, the emotional tank can still feel strangely empty.
And this is what I particularly like about Running on Empty. The book doesn't only help us understand why the tank might be empty. It also asks something maybe even more important:
How do we begin filling it now?
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How to Heal From Childhood Emotional Neglect: Filling Your Emotional Tank
We cannot go back and give our younger selves a different childhood. But we can begin learning, as adults, some of the emotional skills and forms of self-care that we may not have learned growing up.
For me, filling the emotional tank isn't about waking up one morning and suddenly loving yourself.
It's much quieter than that. It's learning to notice yourself, to listen to yourself, to care for yourself, to soothe yourself when things are difficult. And eventually, to relate to yourself with the compassion you may so easily give to everyone else.
In Running on Empty, Webb explores several areas involved in this process: reconnecting with emotions, learning to nurture yourself, developing self-discipline, learning to self-soothe and cultivating compassion for yourself.
1. Reconnect With Your Emotions
If emotions weren't acknowledged or welcomed growing up, you may have learned to push them away. Perhaps sadness was met with “don't cry,” anger wasn't acceptable, fear meant you were being silly, or emotions simply weren't talked about. Part of healing is slowly reversing that process.
There are no emotions we need to be ashamed of simply for experiencing them. Even uncomfortable emotions carry information:
fear may alert us to danger,
anger may signal a crossed boundary,
sadness can tell us something mattered, and
loneliness may point towards our need for connection.
Start by checking in with yourself: What am I feeling right now?
And rather than immediately thinking “I shouldn't feel this way” or “How do I get rid of this?”, try: I do feel this way. What might this emotion be telling me?
From there, we can gradually learn to identify, accept and express our emotions more openly. Sharing “That hurt me,” “I'm struggling,” or “I need some space” can feel incredibly vulnerable when you've learned that your feelings are a burden.
But allowing safe people to know how we really feel isn't necessarily weakness or burdening them. It's also how we create emotional intimacy and allow ourselves to be known.
2. Learn to Nurture Yourself
Once we begin noticing what we feel, another question naturally follows: What do I need?
For someone who has spent years taking care of everyone else, this can be surprisingly difficult.
Nurturing yourself means creating a healthier balance between giving and receiving, yourself and others.
It can mean learning to say no without automatically assuming you're selfish. Asking for help instead of doing everything yourself. Discovering your own likes and dislikes. Making room for enjoyment. Nourishing your body, moving in ways that feel good and allowing yourself enough rest.
Before automatically saying yes to something, you might pause and ask:
Do I actually want to do this? Do I have capacity? Or am I saying yes because I'm afraid of disappointing someone?
Self-care isn't always about putting yourself first.
Sometimes it's simply about finally putting yourself on the list.
3. Develop Self-Discipline
This one might seem surprising in a chapter about filling your emotional tank.
We often associate self-care with allowing ourselves to rest or do what feels good. But sometimes caring for ourselves also means doing something we don't particularly feel like doing because we know it's good for us.
Going to bed. Going for the walk. Making the appointment. Having the difficult conversation. Preparing something nourishing. Setting the boundary.
Self-discipline doesn't have to come from criticism: “I need to force myself because I'm not doing enough.”
It can come from care: “I'm going to do this because I matter.”
Healthy self-care is often a balance between knowing when to give ourselves comfort and when to gently guide ourselves towards what we need.
4. Learn to Self-Soothe
Think about what a loving caregiver might do when a child is overwhelmed.
They don't necessarily make the problem disappear. They help the child feel less alone while experiencing it.
If that soothing wasn't consistently available growing up, learning to offer some of it to ourselves can be an important part of filling the tank.
When you're struggling, ask: What would help me feel supported right now?
Maybe it's going outside, slowing your breathing, listening to music, calling someone safe, moving your body, writing down what you're feeling or simply telling yourself: “This is difficult. I'm here.”
Self-soothing isn't about making difficult emotions disappear.
It's learning not to abandon yourself when they arrive.
5. Practise Self-Compassion
Finally, notice how you speak to yourself when something goes wrong.
“I'm so stupid.”
“Why am I like this?”
“I should be coping better.”
Now imagine someone you love coming to you with exactly the same struggle. Would you speak to them that way?
Self-compassion doesn't mean avoiding responsibility. We can acknowledge a mistake, apologise, change our behaviour and grow without shaming ourselves in the process.
You might instead practise:
“I'm having a difficult day.”
“I made a mistake. I'm human.”
“What do I need right now?”
Accountability doesn't require cruelty.
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Filling the Tank, One Drop at a Time
Perhaps one of the most important reflections I took from Running on Empty is recognising how easily we can continue doing to ourselves what we once experienced around us:
My emotions weren't acknowledged → I ignore my emotions.
My needs weren't prioritised → I don't prioritise my needs.
I wasn't comforted → I criticise myself when I'm struggling.
I learned not to need anyone → I never ask for help.
Healing gives us an opportunity to interrupt that pattern.
You may not have learned that your emotions mattered. You can begin listening to them now.
You may not have been asked what you needed. You can begin asking yourself now.
You may not have received enough soothing, encouragement or compassion. You can begin offering yourself more of those things - and allowing yourself to receive them from others.
Filling your emotional tank isn't simply about doing more self-care. It's about learning to relate to yourself differently.
One feeling acknowledged.
One need noticed.
One boundary set.
One request for help.
One moment of rest.
One compassionate response when you get something wrong.
💧 One drop at a time.
A Reflection: What Does Your Emotional Tank Need?
If this resonated with you, take a piece of paper and draw an empty glass or tank.
Ask yourself: What did I need more of growing up?
Maybe it was affection, encouragement, reassurance, protection, attention, emotional safety, comfort, permission to make mistakes or simply someone asking how you were feeling.
Then ask: How can I begin giving myself - or allowing myself to receive - a little more of this today?
You don't need to fill the whole tank today. Start with one drop.
And if you need support, I am here for you.
Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect is written by psychologist Dr Jonice Webb. This article reflects some of the ideas I found particularly valuable in the book alongside my own therapeutic reflections. It is not intended as a substitute for the book itself or for individual psychological or therapeutic support.
