Redefining the “not good enough” feeling — Filling the tank.
“I’m not good enough.”
It’s one of the most common beliefs I hear underneath anxiety, overwhelm, perfectionism, people-pleasing and low self-esteem.
Sometimes it sounds a little different:
“I should be doing more.”
“Everyone else seems to cope better than me.”
"I need to prove myself.”
“If I disappoint someone, I’ve failed.”
“Why am I still not happy? I have everything I should want.”
Different words. Often, a similar feeling underneath: Something is missing. Something is wrong with me. I am not enough.
But what if we could understand that feeling differently?
What if you were never “not enough”?
A book that i really like on this topic is “Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect”, by psychologist Dr Jonice Webb. She uses the metaphor of an emotional tank.
As children, that tank is gradually filled through emotional connection: having our feelings noticed, being comforted when we are distressed, feeling understood, receiving affection, encouragement and reassurance, and learning that our emotions and needs matter.
Sometimes our parents loved us deeply and provided everything they knew how to provide, yet some of those emotional needs may still have gone unnoticed. Webb describes how childhood emotional neglect can leave adults feeling empty, disconnected or unfulfilled without necessarily understanding why.
Perhaps the question isn't: “Why am I not enough?”
Perhaps it's: “What did I need that I didn't receive enough of?”
That's a very different question. One carries shame. The other invites curiosity and compassion.
But perhaps you were never not enough.
Perhaps your tank simply wasn't filled enough.
The child who learns to fill the gap
When something is missing emotionally, children adapt.
Perhaps you learned to achieve.
To be perfect.
To keep everyone happy.
To never need anything.
To become fiercely independent.
To take care of everybody else.
And these strategies can work incredibly well. You may grow into a capable, successful adult who holds everything together.
Yet internally, you might still experience anxiety, self-doubt, overwhelm, burnout or the persistent feeling that no matter how much you achieve, it's never quite enough.
The problem is that achievements, approval and perfection can temporarily soothe an empty tank, but they can't necessarily fill what was missing in the first place.
Coming home to yourself
Another book that complements Webb’s beautifully is John Bradshaw’'s Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child. His work invites us to reconnect with the younger parts of ourselves and begin offering ourselves some of the nurturing, acceptance and emotional responsiveness we may have needed growing up.
This is where therapy can become less about asking:
“What's wrong with me?”
and more about discovering:
“What happened to me?”
“What did I learn about myself?”
“What do I need now?”
“How can I begin giving some of that to myself?”
Healing the not enough feeling isn't about becoming more.
It's about slowly filling your own tank - with self-compassion, boundaries, rest, connection, emotional awareness, play, acceptance and the permission to have needs of your own.
Not because you've finally earned it.
But because perhaps you were enough all along.
And therapy can be a space to begin doing exactly that.
A space to slow down and discover yourself beyond the expectations, roles and beliefs you may have carried for years. To understand where certain patterns came from, reconnect with what you feel and need, and begin choosing what you would like to carry forward… and what you may finally be ready to put down.
You don't have to have all the answers before coming to therapy. Sometimes, discovering the answers is part of the work.
And if you feel ready to begin that exploration, I’m here.
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In my work with women, I often notice that the “not enough” feeling comes alongside other patterns too - difficulty setting boundaries or saying no, struggling to ask for help, feeling guilty when resting, needing to stay in control, or finding it difficult to accept what cannot be changed.
And that makes sense too. If somewhere along the way we learned that we needed to do more, be more, or hold everything together to feel enough, simply letting go can feel incredibly difficult.
But that deserves a conversation of its own… and perhaps another blog post 🌿
