Demystifying Anxiety Part 3: Trauma, Attachment and Why Anxiety Develops

If anxiety is not random…
then where does it come from?

To begin to understand this, we need to go back — not just to recent events, but often much earlier.

As human beings, we are wired for connection. As children, our primary need is attachment — to feel safe, loved, and accepted by those around us. And in order to maintain that connection, we learn to adapt. Sometimes, that means adjusting parts of ourselves.

We become who we need to be to belong.
We learn what is acceptable.
We learn what to suppress.

Over time, these adaptations become patterns.

And sometimes… those patterns carry anxiety.

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Gabor Maté speaks about this as a core human tension — the pull between attachment and authenticity. This supports the idea from Part 2 - there is conflict between who we are and who we want to be.

Attachment is our need to stay connected — to feel loved, accepted, and safe, especially in our early relationships.
Authenticity is our ability to be true to who we are — to express what we feel, need, and experience.

When the two come into conflict, we often choose attachment. As children, we have to. Because our survival depends on it. So we begin to adapt. We might silence certain emotions, hide parts of ourselves, or become who we feel we need to be in order to stay connected - in order to be loved and be accepted

‍ ‍ ‍For example:

• we might suppress our dream to dance because a parent encourages us to follow a more “secure” path, like becoming a doctor

• or we may constantly say yes to others, even when we want to say no, because we’re afraid of disappointing them & losing their approval

• or we might hide our feelings and say “I’m fine” because expressing what we truly feel risks rejection.

And we do that not because something is wrong with us - but because, at the time, it helped us belong.

But the parts of us that were pushed aside don’t disappear. They stay with us. And later in life, they can begin to surface — not always clearly, but often through feelings we struggle to explain. Anxiety can be one of those expressions.

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If anxiety is not the problem, but the messenger - then what is it trying to show us?

Maybe it is pointing us back to ourselves.
🪷 To the parts that had to be quiet.
🪷 To the needs that were not expressed.
🪷 To the truths that didn’t feel safe to live.

Because healing may not be about becoming someone new… but about returning to who we were, before we had to adapt.

Reclaiming those parts does not happen all at once.
It is often slow, and at times uncomfortable.
It asks for compassion, patience, and a willingness to listen inward - even when it feels unfamiliar.

But there is something deeply meaningful in that process.
A quiet sense of coming home.

So perhaps the invitation is this:

→ Who did I become in order to belong?
And what part of me was left behind?

If this is something you’ve been navigating, you’re not alone. If you feel drawn to explore it more deeply, you’re welcome to book a session or a discovery call here 🌷

In the next part, I’ll explore what happens when we stop fighting anxiety…and begin to understand it differently.

→ Demystifying Anxiety (Part 4): How to Deal with Anxiety — From Fighting to Understanding