Last year, I had the privilege of seeing Dr Gabor Maté live on the Gold Coast, during his talk about his book The Myth of Normal. As a psychotherapist, I have been a big admirer of his work for years, particularly his compassionate approach to understanding childhood trauma, emotional wounds and the connection between our mind and body.
It was such an honour to hear him speak in person, and I even had the opportunity to ask him a question!
There was so much from that day that stayed with me, but one particular reflection has come back to me many times since:
An abused child doesn't stop loving their parents, they stop loving themselves.
In other words, one possible outcome of childhood trauma is self-rejection.
It's a powerful reflection, and one I often return to in my work with women experiencing trauma, low self-esteem and the persistent feeling of not being good enough.
What Is Trauma? Understanding Gabor Maté's Perspective
When we hear the word trauma, we often think of significant, distressing events such as abuse, violence, accidents or loss.And while these experiences can certainly be traumatic, trauma isn't always the result of one big event.
Gabor Maté offers a different way of understanding trauma: it isn't simply what happens to us, but what happens inside us as a result of our experiences.
It's about the emotional wounds we may carry, the beliefs we develop about ourselves and the ways we learn to adapt in order to feel safe.
Sometimes, childhood trauma can also be connected to what we didn't receive growing up - emotional safety, affection, understanding, acceptance or the space to express our feelings. This is often referred to as childhood emotional neglect, which can have a lasting impact on how we relate to ourselves and others.
Of course, not every difficult childhood experience leads to trauma. Our responses are shaped by many factors, including our relationships, individual circumstances and the support available to us.
How Can Childhood Trauma Lead to Self-Rejection?
As children, we depend on our caregivers for love, connection and survival. When those relationships are painful, unpredictable or emotionally unsafe, it can be difficult for a child to understand that the adults around them may be unable to meet their emotional needs.
Instead, some children turn the explanation inward.
“Something must be wrong with me.”
“I'm not good enough.”
“If I were better, maybe they would love me.”
“My feelings don't matter.”
These beliefs aren't necessarily conscious decisions. They may develop gradually through repeated experiences of criticism, rejection, emotional neglect or feeling unsafe.
And the heartbreaking part is that what began as a way of making sense of childhood experiences can become the way we see ourselves as adults.
We may grow up believing we have to earn love, prove our worth or hide parts of ourselves to be accepted.
Over time, this can develop into a pattern of self-rejection - where we struggle to accept our own feelings, needs, imperfections or even who we are.
Signs Childhood Trauma May Be Affecting Your Self-Worth
The effects of childhood trauma don't always look like what we traditionally associate with trauma.
Sometimes they appear in our everyday relationships, thoughts and behaviours.
For example:
People-pleasing: Constantly putting others' needs before your own because you're afraid of disappointing them.
Perfectionism: Feeling that you must do everything right to be worthy of love or acceptance.
Low self-esteem: Carrying a persistent belief that you're not good enough, regardless of what you achieve.
Difficulty setting boundaries: Feeling guilty when you say no or prioritise yourself.
Self-criticism: Having an inner voice that is harsh, judgmental or never satisfied.
Fear of rejection: Constantly worrying about what others think or whether they'll leave.
Disconnection from your needs: Finding it difficult to recognise what you feel, want or need.
These experiences don't necessarily mean someone has trauma. They can develop for many reasons. However, for some people, they are connected to earlier experiences where being themselves didn't feel safe or acceptable.
And sometimes, the very behaviours we criticise ourselves for today were once ways of protecting ourselves.
Trauma Responses: Understanding How We Learned to Survive
Another reflection I appreciated from Maté's talk was his compassionate view of survival.
We often look back at painful experiences and judge ourselves for not speaking up, not fighting back or not behaving differently. But sometimes, those responses were exactly what helped us survive.
As children, we don't always have the power, resources or emotional capacity to respond differently. We may learn to stay quiet, avoid conflict, please others, suppress our emotions or disconnect from what we feel. These responses can be protective in difficult environments.
And as adults, we may continue relying on those same strategies, even when they are no longer helping us.
Healing begins when we become curious about these patterns rather than judging ourselves for having them.
Instead of asking: “What's wrong with me?”, we can begin asking: “What happened to me? What did I learn about myself because of it?”And is that belief still true today?”
Healing Childhood Trauma and Rebuilding Self-Worth
One of the most meaningful parts of trauma healing is beginning to separate who we truly are from what we learned to believe about ourselves.
To recognise that being criticised doesn't mean we were inadequate.
That being emotionally neglected doesn't mean our needs were too much.
And that not receiving the love or acceptance we needed doesn't mean we were unworthy of it.
Trauma therapy can offer a safe space to explore these experiences, understand the protective patterns we've developed and gradually build a more compassionate relationship with ourselves.
In my work as a psychotherapist, I often draw on parts work, including Internal Family Systems (IFS)-informed approaches, to help clients understand the different parts of themselves that may carry fear, shame, self-criticism or painful beliefs.
Rather than trying to get rid of these parts, we become curious about how they developed and what they may have been trying to protect us from.
Healing isn't about erasing the past or becoming a completely different person.
Sometimes, it's about learning that we no longer have to see ourselves through the eyes of those who hurt us.
Perhaps You Were Never the Problem
If there's one reflection I hope you take away from this article, it's this:
Perhaps the feeling of not being good enough was never a reflection of your worth, but a reflection of what you experienced.
And perhaps healing is, in part, the journey of learning to accept the parts of ourselves we once believed we needed to reject.
I'm sharing a short video from Gabor Maté's talk on the Gold Coast, where he reflects on trauma and self-rejection. It's a message that has stayed with me ever since.
A little invitation to reflect: Are there beliefs you hold about yourself today that may have started much earlier in life?
And as always, i am here for you. If you recognise yourself in some of these experiences, you don't have to navigate them alone. Whenever you feel ready, you're welcome to book a complimentary discovery call or a therapy session with me. We can begin exploring your journey together, at your own pace.
