Self—Esteem and feeling ‘Not Good Enough’
Self—Esteem vs Self—Confidence: What’s the Difference?
I find there is often some confusion between self-esteem and self-confidence. We tend to use the words interchangeably, but they are not quite the same.
Self-confidence is often connected to what we believe we can do. It can grow through experience, practice and developing a particular skill. You might feel very confident giving a presentation because you have done it hundreds of times, but feel completely unconfident stepping onto a tennis court for the first time. As you practise, learn and become more capable, your confidence will likely grow.
Self-esteem goes deeper. It is about how we see and value ourselves as a person. I often think about self-esteem in a similar way to self-worth. At its healthiest, our worth isn't something we should have to continuously prove or earn through what we achieve, how productive we are, how we look, how much money we make, whether other people approve of us, or how well we perform.
You have worth simply because you are human.
And yet, knowing that intellectually and feeling it emotionally can be two very different things.
Where Does Our Self—Esteem Come From?
Our sense of ourselves doesn't develop in isolation. It starts taking shape very early in life… And guess when this starts?
Yes - in childhood.
Our earliest relationships and experiences slowly begin teaching us something about who we are and what we can expect from other people.
When a child feels loved, accepted, listened to and emotionally supported, they can gradually internalise messages such as:
I matter.
My feelings matter.
I am worthy of love.
It's okay to make mistakes.
I can be myself and still belong.
But when those experiences aren't available consistently - perhaps because of criticism, emotional neglect, high expectations, comparison, instability, rejection, trauma, or simply caregivers who struggled with their own emotions - we can begin reaching very different conclusions.
Something is wrong with me.
I need to do better.
I shouldn't be so sensitive.
I have to make people happy.
I need to prove myself.
Or perhaps the one I hear so often in psychotherapy:
“I'm not good enough.”
These beliefs don't necessarily disappear when childhood ends. We can carry them quietly into adulthood, sometimes without even realising they are there.
When ‘I’m Not Good Enough’ Follows Us Into Adulthood
The feeling of not being good enough doesn't always look like low self-esteem from the outside.
In fact, sometimes it looks remarkably successful.
You might be capable, driven and accomplished. You might have a good career, a family, friendships and a life that looks perfectly fine from the outside — and still privately wonder whether you're doing enough.
For some women, “I'm not good enough” becomes:
Perfectionism
If I get everything right, perhaps I'll finally feel good enough.
People-pleasing and difficulty saying no
If everyone is happy with me, perhaps I know I'm okay.
Overworking and burnout
If I keep achieving, perhaps I'll prove my value.
Comparison
Am I as successful, attractive, capable or happy as everyone else?
Anxiety and overthinking
Did I do something wrong? What do they think of me? What if I fail?
Harsh self-criticism
I should have done better. Why can't I just get this right?
This is why simply telling someone to “be more confident” often doesn't reach the real issue.
…You can become incredibly confident at your job and still feel not good enough as a person… You can receive praise and struggle to believe it…You can achieve the thing you thought would finally make you feel enough - only to move the goalpost again.
Because when our worth has become conditional, there is always another condition to meet.
When Self—Worth Becomes Something We Have to Earn
Sometimes, without consciously realising it, we develop an internal equation:
I am worthy when…
…I achieve.
…I am productive.
…I look a certain way.
…I don't disappoint anyone.
…I am useful.
…I am needed.
…I get things right.
…other people approve of me.
And this can become exhausting.
Because what happens when you make a mistake?
When somebody doesn't like you?
When you can't help everyone?
When your body changes?
When a relationship ends? When work isn't going well?
When you need rest rather than productivity?
If our self-worth depends entirely on external things remaining intact, our sense of ourselves can become incredibly fragile.
Perhaps the work isn't about finding more things to prove that you're good enough.
Perhaps it's beginning to question why you ever learned that your worth needed proving in the first place.
How Psychotherapy Can Help With Low Self—Esteem
Therapy for low self-esteem and feelings of not being good enough isn't simply about replacing negative thoughts with positive ones or repeating affirmations you don't believe.
For me, the work is often about becoming curious about the deeper story.
When did I first start feeling this way about myself?
Whose voice does my inner critic sound like?
What did I learn I needed to do to receive love, approval or attention?
What happens inside me when I make a mistake or disappoint someone?
Why is it so much easier to offer compassion to other people than to myself?
In psychotherapy, we can explore the thoughts and beliefs you carry, the emotions underneath them and how these experiences show up in your body and relationships. Depending on what you need, our work may draw from humanistic and existential psychotherapy, ACT, attachment work, parts/IFS-informed approaches, inner-child work, mindfulness and somatic awareness.
The goal isn't to convince yourself that you're perfect.
You don't need to be perfect to be worthy.
Instead, we can begin separating who you are from what you achieve, how other people respond to you, and the beliefs about yourself that you may have learned a very long time ago.
Perhaps you've spent years trying to become enough.
Successful enough. Helpful enough. Attractive enough. Productive enough. Calm enough. Good enough. And perhaps the question isn't:
“What else do I need to do to finally feel good enough?”
Perhaps it's:
“Where did I learn that I wasn't enough in the first place?”
Because self-esteem isn't about believing you're better than everybody else. And it isn't about never doubting yourself again.
It's about slowly developing a more stable relationship with yourself - one that can survive mistakes, rejection, criticism, change and imperfection.
Your confidence may change depending on what you're doing. Your worth doesn't have to.
If that persistent feeling of “I'm not good enough” is familiar to you, psychotherapy can offer a space to understand where it came from and begin building a different relationship with yourself.
I offer self-esteem therapy for women in Brisbane and online across Australia.